The Word 13/The Word 13 (Disk 2 of 2).adf/Files/09-Jokes.TxT/09-Jokes.TxT

Text File | 1997-03-02 | 12KB | 257 lines

$995|2-JOKES






$99f                       By Kelly Submitted by Page

NOTICE - Please note...  if you are quite easily offended then please do
not  read  on.  This document contains some language and scenarios which
some people may find distasteful, so read at your own risk.

One day these two girls were hired to clean this guys house.  While they
were  there the AC broke so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is
here  and its so hot in here lets take off our clothes.  "The other girl
agreed.   So  they  took their clothes off.  Later that day they heard a
knock  at  the door.  One of the girls went to the door and asked who it
was.  "Blind man," the person answered.  The girl said, "Hey, since he's
blind  he  can't  see  us."  so she let him in.  As soon as the blindman
stepped in he said, "nice arse where do you want these blinds."


There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who always
stared at each other.  One day, a wizard came up to them and said, "this
is  your  200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30 minutes of
humanity  so  spend  it  well."  The  wizard  waved his wand and the two
statues  went  behind  one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles
laughs  and  saw  a  little hanky panky but nothing much.  After fifteen
minutes  they  came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do
it  again  so as not to waste their 15 minutes.  The male statue said to
the  female  statue "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I crap on
it."


There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.  At the
top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets.  So
when  the  man  got  to  the  top  of the stairs, he opened his coat and
exposed himself.  The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir.  You have to show
your ticket here, not your stub."


Did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!

He's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

If  I  could send half the lawyers to a deserted island, I`d rather send
all of them half way.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Yo mama is so fat, her BVD underware stretches out to spell Boulavard.

90's definition of a virgin...an ugly secondgrader!

"To catch a bus, one must first think like a bus."

Your mama's so fat, people orbit her!

What's your mama plus a tent? Circus!

Grandpa, get off the stove! You're too old to ride the range!

If  you  can't  swim  is  it  necessary to wait a half hour after eating
before going in the water?

Did  you  hear  about  the  constipated Accountant?  He used a pencil to
budget!

Did  you  hear  O.J.  was getting married again?  Yeah, he wants to take
another stab at it.

There were two peanuts walking down the road. One was assaulted.

My brother is so dumb, he thought the international Dateline was a 1-900
number!

My flat is so small, when I put the key in the door, I break a window!

My flat. is so small, you can't even change your mind in it!

Did  you  hear  about the termite who went into a bar and asked "Where's
the bar tender?"

Why is it when you dial a wrong number, it's never busy.

A  psychologist is a man you pay to ask questions your wife asks you for
nothing.

Global warming - It's not the heat, it's the humanity!

Knock, knock. who's there. amanda. amanda who. amanda fix your TV set!

If you've heard one cliche, you've heard 'em all.



Tom Said,

           "I think I'll get engaged", Tom proposed marryly.
          "That's my favorite song", Tom said off the record.
           "I'll have to make another pastry", Tom retorted.
                   "I love mathematics!!", Tom added.
               "Look it's Free Willy!!", Tom wailed out.
            "I dropped my toothpaste", Tom said crestfallen.
           "I just got a pacemaker", Tom said half-heartedly.
                 "I couldn't perform!" Tom said limply.
     "I'm not sure if I'm a homosexual", said Tom, half in Ernest.



This  woman  is  sitting  in  a  bar, wearing a tube top.  She has never
shaved  her  armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick
black  bush under each arm.  Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and
flags  the  bartender  for  another drink.  This goes on all night.  The
other  people  in  the  bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her
arm.   Near  the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says
to  the  bartender,  "Hey,  I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink".  The
bartender  replies,  "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk
says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"


A  guy  walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender,
"How  can  you  live  in  this  town without any women?".  The bartender
replies,  "It's  not  that  bad  when we get lonely we go out back where
there  is a barrel with a knothole in it.  So after a few beers, the guy
starts  getting  a  little  lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go
find  the  barrel.   So  he  walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the
knothole.   After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the
bartender,  "Man,  that's  the greatest stuff I've ever had!!  What do I
owe ya?".  The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in
the barrel".


This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm.  As
he  was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match,
his  arm  then  caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled down the
window  and stuck his arm out to extingish the flame.  The police pulled
him over for an illegal use of a firearm.


A  woman  went in for a physical the other day.  The doctor asked her to
disrobe.   When  she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her
chest.  The doctor said; that's strange.  How did you get the red "H" on
your chest?  The woman replied:  "My husband went to Harvard and beloved
the  school  so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we
make  love."  Several  days  later; another woman came into the doctor's
office for a physical.  The doctor went through the same routine.  After
she  disrobed,  the  doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest.  Not
wanting  to  appear  stupid, the doctor said:  "Your boyfriend must have
gone  to  Michigan."  The  woman  responded"  "I don't know what you are
talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."


A  man  wants  to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who
recommends  a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of
the  penis.   The  man  goes for it and has a humongous penis.  One day,
while  eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under
the  table,  grabs  a  bun  and  slides  back down under the table.  The
girlfriend  is  amazed.   "That's  incredible", she says, "Can you do it
again?"  The  man  replies,  "I'd love to, but I don't think my arse can
handle another bun right now".


What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking,
all  the  time,  whenever  it came to them?  How long would a blind date
last?   About  13  seconds,  I  think.  "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too
big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway.  See you later."


"Today  most doctors specialize.  My own doctor's speciality seems to be
banking.   And  dentists  are  not exactly poor either.  In fact, dental
practices  are  so  lucrative  that  the  American Dental Association is
thinking  of  changing  it's motto to:  "Put your money where your mouth
is."


A  man  got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink
company.   When  he asked about his duties, the manager explained.  "Oh!
It's  an  easy  job!   All you have to is call on ten women buyers every
day, and knock Seven-Up!"


This  woman  goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining
her  he  says:   "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to
drill  a  tooth."  The  woman  then says:  "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a
baby!"  To  which  the  dentist  replies:  "Make up your mind, I have to
adjust the chair."


A  lawyer  who  works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency
which  requires  him to fly out of the state for a short period of time.
He  doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he
is going.  The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on
the  phone.   After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is
upstairs  in  bed  with  the mailman!  Now the man is furious, and would
rush  right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of,
so  he  tells  the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill
both his wife and the mailman.  She protests, but he explains that under
Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover.  Using
his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it.  She puts down the
phone,  and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams,
some  loud  bumps,  and, finally, some splashes.  The maid comes back on
the  phone.   The  lawyer  asks  ``did  you  kill them?''.  ``Yes'', she
replies.   ``What  did  you  do with the bodies?'' ``I threw them in the
pool.'' ...  pause ...  ``Pool?  ...  Say, is this 555-8234?''


"Mr.   Smith,  I  have  reviewed  this case very carefully," the divorce
court  judge  said,  "and  I've  decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's  very  fair,  your honor," the husband said.  "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


Two  redneck  guys  go  on a fishing trip.  They rent all the equipment:
the  reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a
cabin  in  the  woods.   They  spend  a  fortune.  The first day they go
fishing,  but  they don't catch anything.  The same thing happens on the
second  day,  and on the third day.  It goes on like this until finally,
on  the  last  day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.  As
they're  driving  home  they're  really depressed.  One guy turns to the
other  and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost
us  fifteen  hundred  dollars?"  The  other guy says, "Wow!  It's a good
thing we didn't catch any more!"


Air  Force One comes in for a landing at the airport.  A ramp is wheeled
up  and  President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm.  As he
comes  down  the  ramp,  the  Marine  at  the  bottom snaps to a salute.
Clinton  says,  "You'll  have to excuse me.  I can't return your salute.
My hands are full." "Yes Sir.  I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.
"Now  hold  on,"  says  Clinton.   "These  aren't  just pigs.  These are
genuine  Arkansas  Razorbacks."  "Yes  Sir!   Razorbacks  Sir!" says the
Marine.   "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton
explains.   The  Marine  answers, "Yes Sir!  An excellent trade if I may
say so myself Sir!"


A  guy  walks  into  a  bar  with  a  frog.   He  sits next to this real
attractive  lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink.
The  lady says "thats a disgusting looking frog you got there." The guys
says, "Yeah well lemmie tell ya something...  this here frog is THE BEST
damn  pussy  eater you ever seen." The lady is outraged and says so then
promptly  gets  up  and moves across the bar.  A few hours pass....  The
lady  has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog...
So  she  staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!".  They run
get a hotel room..  the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs
spread  open wide.  The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then
demmands,  "GO  HOMER!"....  the frog lays there....he commands again...
"GO  HOMER"  the  frog  still does nothing....  he picks up the frog and
tosses  into the corner and says, "If I've shown ya once ...  I've shown
ya 1000 times ..  .....now watch how its done!"



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